How Do You Know If You Deserve Help?

How Do You Know If You Deserve Help?

No Contractors – Friday, August 16, 2019

Plans I have…help…not so much. Another contractor came to look at my house last night and he will not take my place on. Finding a contractor has been way tougher than I thought it would be.

Here is the manifestation story of how I found this house: Buying a Fixer-Upper: Back to 1975, Baby!

The house was built in 1975 so I know it is not as easy to renovate as a new place and I get that it’s a dirty business. It seems like the kids who go into trades would rather work on new, clean places that are all up to code. Hell, who wouldn’t? Putting in a suite downstairs is too big a job for a handyman but too small for a regular contractor to bother with.

Still, I broke down and cried after he left.

At least that guy showed up. So many contractors don’t even bother to call me back. I know it is part of the process. I know I need to keep going…but I still feel sad today, despite all my ‘rah, rah’ self-talk. I feel…like a pathetic loser who cannot get anyone to sign on. My divorce is strong in my mind here. My ex so handy and so capable. I left that.

Do I Deserve to Have Help?

It’s true I did not act blamelessly in my marriage and there are things I would (hope) to do differently, if I ever feel the same way. I still feel sad / guilty / terrible about what I did (or did not) do. I kind of accept it, too. The feelings AND my part in the whole demise of the relationship. I am sorry for what I did, that’s all. Sad and sorry. I cannot change it now.

It’s too late for that.

I must accept that I am alone and it is mostly of my own doing. THIS is of my own doing. Do I deserve to be punished forever? Um. Maybe. I mean, I did act like an idiot. I did fuck things up. Should I not feel the loss and horror of what I did for the rest of my life?

You see how it is with me? I am sad and sorry. Sorry and sad. I do not know how I can ‘fix’ myself or this situation.

My ex was not blameless. This is probably the most horrible of all to admit, for he was my hero. He lied to me. Kept things from me. Plotted and schemed. Acted very, very badly. He broke my heart – paid me back, I guess. He always did keep score.

Be Grateful, I Said to Myself

I am lucky. I feel lucky. My job is terrific and I have a cool and funky house, too! I have a reliable little car…a great boyfriend, even!

I’ve had a great summer with my kids – helped my son and his girlfriend move and paint their new place. I am meeting a friend for appies tonight and have other friends I’m going hiking with next month so …yeah, my life is good. It’s better than good! It’s fantastic!

I’ll find someone to help – I just need to keep working on tearing out as much as I can so that a small contractor can see my vision for the space. And I also need to convince myself that I deserve this place. That I deserve to be happy.


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