May 17, 2017
I have done it again and have someone in my life who is not suitable at all. Oh! How could I give up the comfort I had when I was alone? I feel teary, stomach tight, nose runny. Mad. I’m mad. Stupid gosh-darned stuff.
What is wrong?
My current boyfriend is staying in bed and snoring and still in my room in my apartment without me there and it’s bugging me. Can’t I say ‘no’? I wonder. I wonder at this.
I want to get away tonight. Cooked for him last night and he did buy some food the night before but I did the planning, shopping and most of the cooking that night as well. I guess I am feeling unspoiled. It’s just that I expect too much.
Like, if I’m going to have a boyfriend, I want him to say kind or flattering things to me. This guy is not much of a talker. He didn’t even look at me in bed this morning. Certainly, he has a cold and is not well. At least this is what I tell myself. If I’m going to be honest, though, he was already kind of distant, before the cold.
You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling
Just running through my thoughts without thinking much…struggling to get the feelings out as they are uncomfortable and making me feel thick stupid and snotty and frowning. I’m frowning and growly.
My life. What is it made of? These constant threats to my self. My newly emerging sense of it. I want to live alone. That will be good for a time – maybe a long time. I do not want to live with this guy. He ignores the me of me. He does not talk to the me of me. I cannot talk to the me of me with him in the apartment. It’s too small and he is too big.
He does not take me out but relies on my place. My food and my wine. My life. Why does he always want mine? Why can’t he create his own life? Selfishly, I do not want to share my life with him. I am not sharing it anymore. He has to have his own. And invite me. Why am I never invited in? I have not even seen the inside of his house. He stays at mine – assumes he will be at mine.
Always in Hiding
I don’t even want to go home now except I left my journal there. Hidden. Hiding. Again, it’s what I do. Hide my stuff, fail to return.
I want to go home but I have no safe place. He is there and I want him gone. How can I broach this? How do I? What a mistake on his part! To come and stay with me since Sunday – here it is Wednesday and I am sure I do not want him as a boyfriend anymore. I am sure I want to be single now. That is what happens when you leave me no choice. I feel under the pressure of relationship.
Do not blame me for I cannot help how I feel. I want to be single again. To learn who I am, to meditate, to write and to read. I do not want cable.
Go home! I am in a bad mood and will not be as kind as I should be! Save yourself! Even if it is too late for our relationship. I am sorry but I cannot feel any differently.
How did this relationship die?
Somewhere between not being taken out and not being told how wonderful I am. There, in between those, lies my ego and it is a feisty bitch. She is angry at you. Angry and pissed off. How dare you stay at my place and not wax poetic about my beauty! My cleverness! My hard work! Ask me about my dreams, my hopes, my fantasies….sigh.
It’s no use, no use. Gone. All feelings are now sort of like a soft kindness but no passion…do I have to have this? I would rather be alone than suffer being with someone I do not feel passionately in love with. I care for you, I really do – you are kind and helpful. But I do not – cannot – pretend to feel something I don’t.
It’s over and we both know it.
