August 14, 2018
Reading an article in Psychology Today as I am really struggling with my emotions. Started last night at a Strata hearing where most of the council voted against me – again. So poor Tim and his girlfriend cannot keep their dog. Well, I lost it. Was freaking out – had to leave right away. I was so hurt. I went upstairs and wanted to get drunk. Then I sat down with my journal to figure out why.
Tim is my favourite neighbour in the apartment where I live. The first time I met him was on the elevator. He was carrying a crushed rose with a bent stem. He noticed me looking at it and explained that it had gotten a bit messed up in his coat. I said that I hoped she was the forgiving sort. We had a shared laugh over the absurdity of giving someone a damaged flower. It turns out that she IS a damaged flower so it was truly fitting. That’s why the dog was so important to them. But rules are rules as the old farts on this strata council say. Assholes.
I lay on my living room carpet crying, the cats poking about my head. So sick of ‘feeling’ everything all the time. I wanted a bloody break. Just so intense all the time. It’s like I am so sensitive to any hurt or slight now, like my wounds are too fresh to sustain another cut.
THIS is the reason my life is so unacceptable!
As usual, I turned to my personal situation – a great thing to blame all my troubles on – my singlehood. After losing a 32 year relationship, it seems like all the shit started right after so all my craziness MUST be because I don’t have a partner. But dating also makes me crazy!
Should I date, should I not? I have gone off the dating sites – although I check in with OKC at times. It’s safe as there is no one near me on it. Entertainment really. Everyone has fallen by the wayside except one guy, who I tried to let off the hook last Thursday. I was freaking out because really, I thought he couldn’t possibly like me – I’m not near as fit as he is. I am just…not. And, let’s face it, I may never be. I am trying to just BE and accept myself. Even my emotions and sensitive nature.
“Everything you Know About Dating is Probably Wrong”
So this article, called “Everything you Know About Dating is Probably Wrong” by Hara Estroff Marano in Psychology Today is really enlightening. The author says to ask yourself:
What do I feel? What do I experience? What is authentic for me?
My answer is that I guess all this feeling is necessary to really knowing myself. I feel emotionally exhausted. I feel torn down. (Listening to classical music – as I do when I’m wrecked.) I feel sideways, upside-down and put upon. Why? Just so much happening so quickly. Just processing it all.
I experience pain, loss, sadness. Devastation over the losses I’ve had. No. No longer devastated…more saddened and grieved. Hurt for sure. I know I’ll feel better soon, though – that’s why I’m not devastated.
Could I be lonely? I don’t think so but maybe I’m just being defensive. Being alone feels pretty good, though. I want to feel and think without interruption or listening to someone else. Having to be ‘on’ for them. Maybe it’s because I never share my own emotions. That might be why I feel lonely at times. There is no one to tell, really, without burdening them. Being a pain. They’ve got their own stuff.
What is authentic for me?
Gosh. Being alone in my head – ? Making up people to talk to. Believing someone is there for me, on the other side. Yeah, I’m crazy but it was out of necessity, you understand, yes? Like Sybil and her 23 personalities, we do what we do to survive emotionally. I am kind, warm, loving, sensitive – not cool. Easy to fool apparently. GEEZ that hurts. Hurts hurts hurts. Gullible? I never thought I was – I just always hope the person would act properly. They don’t always but I cannot act any other way than to give people the benefit of the doubt.
What will help me grow, be the self that I am hopefully moving towards?
Keep being aware of my feelings and how I affect others. Taking responsibility for my actions and for what I do when no one’s looking. Be understanding and accepting of others. OK, and myself. Mean what I say and say what I mean. Gently and kindly but speak my truth – when it needs to be spoken. Be aware of my motivations more.
“We hurt where we care”
Steven Hayes
From the same interview in Psychology Today: “I call those place our core gifts. We find them by asking ourselves two questions:. What gives me the most joy and the most meaning in my relationships? And What hurts me and causes me pain and makes me shut down? Most of us minimize or dismiss those points of deepest meaning; we don’t honor or cultivate them enough in our relationships. And of the places of our sensitivity, where we get most easily hurt, we tend to tell ourselves, Oh, you’re just being too sensitive.” – Steven Hayes
What gives me the most joy in my relationships?
Connection. Shared laughs, stories, events. Being there with the person. Offering insight or comfort, reflection, ideas.
Receiving comfort and feeling understood. Gosh that would be nice.
What gives me the most meaning in my relationships?
Shared goals or similar ideas about the future of our life together. Time spent together hanging out and talking about what we’ve seen, done or heard. Getting ideas from each other and planning things together. Visiting and entertaining together.
What hurts me and causes me pain and makes me shut down?
Being ignored. Ouch! Being left out. Threatened with expulsion or shunning or physical harm. Having to get ‘permission’ to do things I enjoy like going for coffee, seeing friends or going to musical events. Dishonesty or sneakiness – when I feel I cannot trust someone. If the person is addicted to something and / or harming themselves. If I feel they do not value me or find me interesting, beautiful, sexy.
Now: next time someone asks me what I do for a living, how will I answer? For I feel inadequate in what I do. Realistically, I make good money and do well so there is no reason for this.
I will say that I am not what I do for a living – that I consider it dangerous to associate WHO we are with WHAT we happen to do. What happens to the You of You when you retire or if you could no longer do that job? Who will you be then? THAT is the person I’m interested in.
Losing a Friendship to a Rule is Not Fair
My neighbour Tim is important to me. It always makes me happy to see him and his girlfriend. They are younger than I am – which is rare in here. To lose them over a petty rule is just too cruel. I care and it hurts like hell. Maybe I need to move.
