The world is a miraculous place. This week, I have been reminded of this by listening to Led Zeppelin’s fourth album and finding meaning from signs that show up in my life.
How do I know that I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing and that everything is going to be OK? Feathers have become my new talismans – or “signs” – that I am on the right track. That I’m going to be all right.
What am I asking for? Safety. Security. I want someone – anyone! – to let me know that I’m doing fine. As the first boyfriend after my separation said to a friend, “She needs constant reassurance”. He accidentally sent the message to me instead of his friend. Ouch. Hurtful truth.
Feathers as Signs I am Doing What I Should Be
I thought, “I should make feathers my new talismans” when I found a feather outside a few weeks ago. It was a crow feather and I love crows. Many people know that crows mate for life but did you realize that crows can recognize your face for up to two years? They are brilliant at making and using tools and really enjoy the challenge of it. Crows carry lots of symbolism, too, but I’ll stick with feathers, here.
What do feathers mean to me? Feathers were one of the first tools used for writing implements. A feather pen is often used to depict a writer in an old-fashioned, romantic kind of way. So feathers represent writing – like my weird pen thing – and I find great meaning in those. (Read about my weird pen thing in Advice From the Voices in My Head – Part 1) Besides, what am I if not old-fashioned and romantic?!
I began to see a few feathers here and there and appreciated them when I saw them but it was during a shift at work that I really had my mind blown.
Gifted With a Sign!
A woman asked for help with a common problem and we talked a bit – nothing out of the ordinary. After she chose a supplement she asked if she could give me something. She pulled a beautiful handcrafted feather out of her purse. I was stunned. She made it with tiny stitches and a long loop to hang it from a car mirror or to be used as a book mark. As she handed it to me, she explained that she wanted to show her appreciation for people. I am still in awe of this feather and the generosity of this woman.
Two Feathers
Yesterday I visited my Uncle, who has been told that he doesn’t have much time to live. He is giving away everything he owns, including old family photos. From reading about Holocaust survivors, I know that when someone gives away their prized possessions, they will not live much longer. When I was safely down to the parking lot, I broke down in tears. I don’t want to lose another precious Uncle.
I got in my car and as I began backing out, I looked over at the vehicle next to me. It had two antennas on it and someone had neatly tied feathers onto the ends of each one. OK. Kind of bizarre.
Emotional Rescue
I had called one of my cousins for some help with our First Nations ancestry. We have never spoken at length before, this cousin and I. Our lives have taken some similar twists and turns. She lost her partner of 34 years a little over a month ago. During our conversation I became bitter and angry when talking about my Mother.
No matter how much I try to forgive my parents, the same old resentments and wounds resurface when I begin talking about them. I need to do more work. Logically, I know the people they are now are NOT the same people they were when I was a child. I know that everything happens for a reason and I am grateful for these crucial life lessons. Yet, there I go again, getting all worked up and angry about the unfairness of my childhood.
Can I Just Get Over it Already?!
I know I have holes in me where love and acceptance should be. I try to patch them with self-love – be my own advocate. This works only a little.
It’s also fairly ridiculous to have to do this as a grown woman. I was embarrassed and upset with myself for oversharing my feelings on my Mom with my cousin since this is her Auntie. My Mom has some first rate qualities but it’s so difficult for me to see her objectively through my hurt. I realized after our call that one of the reasons I am so angry now is because my Mom and I will not ever get to have that conversation.
I am always looking for signs that the “universe” is a fundamentally good place and that I have a place in it. This stems from my need to feel like I belong.
Here’s My Sign
But of course, I’d found someone to replace my Mom in my life and he was no easy taskmaster. He kept me busy, busy, busy! How many ways can I contort myself to please others? If only I just tried harder to understand why they do what they do! I can justify nearly anything this way and turn on myself for being too sensitive, too needy, or too hard on people.
Let’s face it. I expect too much.
Nanice Ellis explains this dynamic in her excellent article: Why you should forgive your parents… and how to do it! :: www.nanice.com:
“Do you still need parental approval, acceptance, validation or permission to feel worthy? If so, do you conceal behaviors that don’t meet your parent’s expectations?
This dynamic is quite common in most adults but there is a huge cost involved because whenever you suppress authentic expression in exchange for approval or acceptance, for example, you inadvertently give away your power. In fact, it is impossible to expect your parents to meet your emotional needs and make you feel worthy without giving them your power.
Consequently, the relationship is based on dysfunctional dynamics where you remain a powerless child who is vulnerable to being hurt. Not only does this make you susceptible to parental judgment and criticism, it also makes you vulnerable to manipulation through guilt and obligation.
Although blame is a natural response to powerlessness, it actually tells your subconscious mind that the parent you are blaming has power over you, and, therefore, blame perpetuates more powerlessness. Indeed, you won’t be able to heal your emotional wounds or forgive your parents as long as you blame them for making you feel powerless and unworthy. This is why self-responsibility is the cure, and, in fact, self-responsibility is the only thing that can solve your issues.
Self-responsibility means that you must own your unconditional worth and you must take back your power by releasing the expectation that your parents meet any of your emotional needs, and this also includes releasing the need for apology, acknowledge, or retribution.”
Nanice Ellis
As I said, I have much more work to do.
Here’s What This Looks Like in Real Life
The other day, this guy came into the store, immediately spotted someone he knew and proceeded to talk loudly to this guy for well over half an hour. I told my coworkers that I hoped I was on my break when he ended his conversation and needed help. How did I know that he would beeline for me the minute he was done?
Maybe because he was one of those “couple braggers” which I find particularly difficult to listen to. Salt in the wound of what I once had. (My insecurities.) I knew that he must be very insecure to need to brag so much about all of the things he and his partner had done, were doing, or were about to do together. He needed to impress everyone.
Sure enough, over he came and he was worse than I thought.
Now, I (and half the people in the store) had heard how he had plans to travel to Europe with his partner, how they had loved Italy and were so busy doing this and that. I tuned him out when he got to describing their new house and renovations.
He starts off by asking where the turmeric is. I show him and try to explain curcumin vs. whole turmeric vs. fermented. He cuts me off and proceeds to tell me what it is and what it is used for. I ask him if he has aches or joint pain. He immediately denies that he has anything wrong at all. I am faintly amused that he is trying to hide this “weakness” from me but judiciously don’t ask what his interest in turmeric might be.
He then goes on in a rapid-fire non-stop speech.
So many topics in such quick succession that I cannot do anything but nod. It is difficult enough just to breathe in his presence. Among other things, he tells me the government has offloaded health care costs to private businesses and his business has to pay this tax as it makes well over $500,000/year. He makes sure to get the message across that he is wealthy and successful. This does not fluster me as much as amuse me. I have a secret: I’m a writer and we have a longstanding tradition of scoffing at traditional values like this. As in, I don’t need your money…much.
Then he starts ranting about the Prime Minister.
Hey! I’m OK with this! He didn’t even pause to hear what I might have to say. With condescension, he then tells me that I should listen to a guy named Jordan Peterson to learn how things really are. Imagine! As if I haven’t heard of him! I am, after all, merely a shop girl who should pay attention to what this great man tells me. I am nodding and playing my part. He has no idea what I think of him.
At this point my coworkers recognize my distress and begin paging me over the intercom.
Later I tell them that this is why I won’t go on Match. This is the type of narcissistic, arrogant man that will single me out and take over every conversation and make me feel like a lowly nothingburger. It’s like I am a homing beacon for the damaged psyche. They know I have a weakness for them and will not expose them or be unkind. It’s because I see their insecurities as plainly as if they have a blinking sign around their necks, “I was damaged as a child! I have to inflate myself because I feel so very, very small.”
How can I be cruel and turn away?
I can’t do it. I recognize myself in these wounded people.
Still, when I got home I went upstairs to wash my face. When I looked in the mirror I started screaming in frustration and…loss. I was furious that I had to listen to this guy and that he would not see or acknowledge the me of me. I felt ripped off, cheated. THIS is what guys my age are like, more often than not. Selfish braggarts who forget to ask how I am doing or remember that I am a person, too. Never mind being thoughtful and considering that I might have feelings and be hurt by some of the things he was saying. But even a jackass like this has a partner when I do not!
Then I began crying. Am I as insufferable and obvious in my insecurities as this guy was?
I must acknowledge that I probably am.
I am mortified. Ashamed. No wonder I am single.
Later, after reading Nanice’s article, I realize I was angry because he violated my boundaries and I didn’t stick up for myself. This is very difficult to do when my job is to listen to customers and help them, never mind that I’m wired to feel empathy for others.
Besides plugging emotional holes and meeting my own emotional needs, I’ve got boundaries to defend. I know that no one can “make” me feel one way or another, that it is my own insecurities surfacing. But they do surface, yeah? I need to take full responsibility for these feelings of unworthiness.
I need to realize, as Nanice says, that my personal power is only as strong as my boundaries.
Looking myself straight in the eye in the mirror I say, “You don’t EVER have to go for coffee with ANY guy like that.”
I am thankful for my quiet, peaceful home with only a couple bleating cats to annoy me or be annoyed by me!
That’s When I Decided to Watch a Documentary on Led Zeppelin IV.
Well, the album is not actually called “IV” – it has only the photo of a man carrying a load of sticks on his back and four symbols on the cover.
The man is said to represent the Hermit in Tarot:
“The Hermit is the ‘withdrawal from events and relationship to introspect and gather strength’. Seeking the inner voice or calling upon vision from within. A need of understanding and advice…A card of personal experience and thoughtful temperance.”
A.E. Waite
Each of the band members chose a symbol to represent themselves. Robert Plant, the frontman and songwriter for Led Zeppelin, chose this symbol:
“Depicting a circle around a feather, the symbol represents the feather of Ma’at, the ancient Egyptian goddess of truth, justice, harmony, and balance.
Being the lyricist for Led Zeppelin, the feather can also be seen as a pen representing the band’s songwriter…it can be found in both Mu civilization and Red Indian civilization texts.” From https://extrachill.com/2021/03/led-zeppelin-symbols-meaning.html
I have sung in a few bands, often covering Led Zeppelin and trying to imitate Robert Plant. Once I even saw him in concert – 1984.
I cranked “Black Dog” and sang my heart out. Sorry roomies!
Symbols and Signs Are Everywhere
The experiences and events in my life are so full of meaning. Something as simple as finding a feather, seeing insecurity in someone else, or watching a documentary gives me a chance to pay attention. I never realized that one of my favourite vocalists had chosen a feather as his symbol before I chose it for myself! Listening to the album and seeing signs like the album cover that represents the Hermit from tarot resonate with meaning for me at this time in my life.
They give me a chance to respond differently – to see my own and others’ behaviours in a new way. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by how much I have yet to learn. By how much I still need to forgive.
How disheartening to think about how little I have changed, despite years of introspection and practice! All I can say with any certainty is that now I realize I have insecurities and that I am able to recognize when I’ve been acting out of fear a little more often then I used to. That’s it. Knowing does not prevent me from having the uncomfortable feelings of being lesser than others. Just makes me aware that I’m as flawed as I ever was.
By Listening to Signs, Being Aware of Deeper Meanings, Can I Stop Repeating Destructive Patterns?
I know now that when I get “emotional”, I shouldn’t shame myself for it but instead pay close attention to what is going on. It might be an indication that I need to set a boundary or remind someone they’re about to cross one. Setting boundaries helps me to feel like “I am worth it.” I have friends who are excellent at this. They taught me to say, “Actually, that’s not going to work for me…”
For this reason, I am starting to see this “Hermit” time in my life as invaluable. Like the Hermit, I am carrying a bundle of sticks on my back. I have earned each and every one of those sticks and I’m taking a good hard look at each one and learning how to use them. Crossing one of my new boundaries? *smack*
I hope I will gather enough sticks to face the future with newfound strength.
Every feather I find or see or am randomly gifted tells me that I am doing all right. Just listen! Everything is happening the way it should. I am going to be OK after all.
And so are you.
