Wedding Anniversaries Can Shatter You All Over Again

April Showers

I was doing all right until I realized how close it was to the 23^rd and 24^th (April 23rd = wedding anniversary & April 24th, 1982 = day we met). I am now crying at my desk. Luckily, no one is at the office but me.

I did yoga in here for a break. Then I got out and walked in the sun. I am trying to honour myself – to be kind. Trying to do what I feel like doing. What makes me feel better. The thing is: there’s nothing I can do to feel better right now. Eating makes it better short-term and worse long-term, as does smoking. Going home, there is no peace – even if I was alone, I would just cry and cry alone. If I called a friend, I would just pretend I was fine.

No, there is nothing for it but to feel these terrible feelings. Yes, I’m labelling the fuckers as “terrible,” for they make me feel awful. Sad, destitute, loserish, just desolate. Deconstructed. Decommissioned. Disheveled. Dismissed. Disowned. Disheartened. Dislocated. Dismantled. Dismembered. Despondent.

I have given up the idea that I will ever truly be “over” my marriage. There really is no such thing. Unless it was like a limb you could cut right off – which it is not – it will be inside me always. The memories and the recriminations. The desolate weariness of going over and over the details – even when I manage to forget, something reminds me. 32 years and two kids pulling me back again and again. Like facing the worst thing to ever happen to you – and having to pretend that it’s cool. I really need help but of course, that is quite impossible.

Not an Option

I am having thoughts of suicide. Just to get relief. Oh, sweet relief. They say you are immediately taken out of your life so that you don’t feel all the feelings you had only moments ago. I must have watched a thousand near death experience videos.

UPDATE – PLEASE: Call for help – we all need you here. I do not feel despondent now and I believe it will get better for you, too.

Call 911 for emergency help.

If you are in Canada: Canada Suicide Prevention Service 1-833-456-4566

In the US:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

“We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States.” 1-800-273-8255

I believe that we are all here on earth to learn and so I cannot leave early because I would have to go through all of the experiences again until I made it through them! There is no easy-out. So I carry on.

Besides, I kind of want to see what happens.

My ex is lucky because he has not felt what I feel. That should lessen my pain but it does not. I feel what I feel and it has little to do with him, really. It was me who could not exist well without the rock of his support. Perhaps it didn’t matter who HE was. I always think it didn’t matter to him who I was. Maybe it was me who didn’t honour him and just saw him as my support. No wonder we didn’t make it.

Psychology Today – A Great Place to Turn

Reading an article in Psychology Today on the kindness thing. This online magazine is great and has so many interesting articles: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca

I am to ask and answer several questions.

“What do I need?”

I need to not care anymore.

“How do I care for myself already?”

I feed myself mostly organic, homemade food and get outside and walk every day. I do yoga and think about the events in my life and how they made me feel. Many times I have to remind myself to go easy and work to understand my motivations rather then condemn my actions. When I meditate, I try to “hear” what God wants me to. I console myself that I am not the only one who feels sad or is devastated by life’s events. I’m allowed to feel sad, even if my stuff doesn’t seem nearly as bad as anyone else’s.

“What would I say to a dear friend in this situation and how would I say it?”

Well, I just wrote to a friend. She is going through a very tough time – fighting with her hubby. Under extreme stress. They might lose everything they have built together. Who am I to complain? I said, “Things will get better. But in case they don’t, here’s the plan:

*we take off to the Fiji Islands and don’t tell ANYONE where we are

White sandy beaches, sunshine, great food and friendly people. Are ya in?!”

Just run away. But things usually do get better – right?

I once told my ex that when I became hysterical over something to just hold me and say, “Everything’s going to be all right.” Nothing else.

So I think that’s probably what I would say to a friend who was in the position I’m in now.

From an Article in Psychology Today Featuring Christopher Germer, PhD

“According to Germer, self-compassion is a dynamic process consisting of yin and yang attributes. One entails nurture (comforting, soothing, validating) and the other is about action (protecting, providing, motivating).

Depending on the situation, you may need different ways of being compassionate with yourself. For instance, you can comfort yourself with your caring words and gestures (putting your hand on your heart like you would embrace a friend). You can soothe yourself by taking a nap or doing a breathing meditation. You can find validation in acknowledging your struggle (I know things are really hard right now.) Other times, being self-compassionate may mean protecting yourself (by saying “No!”), providing for yourself through good nourishment and plentiful sleep, and motivating yourself like you would encourage a friend (You can do this! I believe in you!).

There are many paths towards well-being, growth, and self-kindness. Yet, the success of these strategies, assures Germer, will depend on one fundamental caveat. It’s not what you do, but why you do it.”

Why do I do it?

I have never asked myself why I should be compassionate to myself. OH! I think I understand what the author, Germer, is trying to say. I kept trying to make myself FEEL better – to manipulate my emotions so that I didn’t feel so crappy when real compassion is about treating myself kindly just because I am hurting.

There doesn’t have to be a “fix” or a correction. I deserve to have kindness period.

Well, imagine that!

And thanks to Psychology Today and this article by Christopher Germer, I have something to think about. Something to practice.

Here is a link to Christopher Germer’s books, including: The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself From Destructive Thoughts and Emotions